Personal essay

It was the summer I turned 15. A field in Rehoboth, a marching band practice. We both had the same pair of shoes, and that’s how I first noticed him. Looking back on this today, that day felt like a dream. As if everyone around us didn’t exist. Almost like God created that field for the sole purpose of us meeting. He had long hair and glasses. I also had glasses. Our shoes, high top chuck taylors were both dirty and worn. His were black and mine were green. I still have those shoes, even though I have long since grown out of them. That day was truly love at first sight for me, and I later came to find out the feeling was mutual. I had found my dream boy, the stars were aligned.

Growing up, I was never really outgoing or talkative. I was rather shy and quiet. It took me awhile to eventually come out of my shell. I never had the stylish clothes, or the designer purses, or the perfect looking hair. It wasn’t that I couldn’t afford it, it just wasn’t my thing. And that sat just fine with me. I liked what I liked, and that was that. Though I might have been plain, I never complained about my looks. I had what God gave me and that’s all I’ll ever have. It’s not having what you want, it’s wanting what you’ve got. In fact, I don’t even think I thought about my physical exterior all that much. It turned out dream boy liked how I was, just like I liked how I was. It was simple, and so perfect.

This dream boy turned into my best friend and my boyfriend. We went through everything together, from the death of his grandmother to even the death of my beloved black Labrador. Throughout highschool we had our ups and downs, I loved him and I hated him. He was a godsend and an abomination. He was everything to me, and I put my heart and soul into our relationship. In my sophomore year of highschool everything started to change. The girls at school starting caring about their outward appearance, makeup and fashion was the topic of their latest conversation. I, on the other hand, was completely oblivious. All they wanted to do was chat and text on their new cell phones, while mine was strictly used for emergencies. Their hair was glossy and straight, mine was always a mess. They had the newest Coach bag to carry their books around in, while I still had a backpack from middle school. This never bothered me, in fact, I don’t think I even noticed what the other girls had and I didn’t. This all changed one day.

I saw dream boy chatting up a storm with one of my classmates one day. She was laughing at something he said. Jealousy wasn't something I practiced, but I still couldn’t look away. She was outgoing, dressed to perfection, and gorgeous. Everything I wasn’t. The conversation between them was innocent and friendly, but I still never forgot that day. I then highlighted my hair, wore makeup, and bought new clothes. I thought doing all this would impress my dream boy and make him happy. I thought it was what he wanted. I became jealous when he talked to other girls, and repeatedly asked him why I wasn’t enough for him. My self confidence went down the drain. I was a completely different person. It was not what dream boy wanted.

One day, I was complaining about something. Me and dream boy were spending time together, a rare occasion due to the fact that we hadn’t been getting along so well. I was complaining about him talking to a girl, a girl we have both been friends with for a long time. It was a totally unnecessary and stupid, back then I used to complain just to complain. I went off in to asking him what was so great about her and what he saw in her. He was watching tv, until he turned it off and looked at me. He didn’t say anything, he just sat there, scratching his head. In his eyes I saw a pleading look. The kind of look you would get from a stray puppy begging for a home, almost like he was begging me not to be the way I was being. He didn’t have to say anything at all, I knew what he meant. I naturally started to cry. I cried because I didn’t know who I was. I cried because I tried to impress him, and everyone else. I cried because I didn’t need to do all this. I didn’t need to change who I was in order to be accepted. I didn’t know it then, but I was already accepted. Dream boy liked me the way I was, before I changed. He fell in love with me when I didn’t care about what other people thought about me. He loved me when I loved myself.

Realizing this, I was finally happy again. One beautiful fall afternoon, we rode quads around his woods in his backyard in Dighton. I charged through a puddle of mud and soon we came upon a clearing. We stopped and jumped off the quads to look at the spectacular view. My dream boy took one look at me and burst out laughing. I joined in when I felt the mud in my hair and smudged all over my face. I was covered in it. He pulled me in close and whispered in my ear, "Your beautiful". Standing there, covered in sweat and mud, I silently agreed. I knew from that moment on I’d always remember what dream boy taught me. I will conclude my story with a question that can be relatable to anyone, If you don’t believe in yourself, then who will believe in you?